Do you ever feel like you’re failing as a mom? I’ve felt it a lot recently.
My oldest just turned 13. In the last couple years, I’ve felt him slowly pull away from needing me like he used to. Pre-teen boys do this, ya know. They back off from mom and look toward Dad.
I see the way he looks at his Dad, drops what he’s doing and follows easily. With me, everything I suggest gets accepted with a look of disbelief.
A little more letting go. I know he still needs me, but it doesn’t make it easier.
The feeling like I’m doing or saying something wrong feels so much like failure. Failure as a mom. I should be doing more. Something different. But that’s all feelings.
This is what I know. It’s the way it’s supposed to be. The way God made him. It’s one more step toward his independence.
Every day I am amazed at him. He’s so smart. How did this happen? He knows things I don’t know. Has abilities I’ll never have. And he’s only 13! I love that.
One day he’ll grow into a man and have his own family that will need his strength and independence.
And I’ll have to let him go some more.
My middle child is an artist. She will spend all day by herself in her own world doing art and listening to audiobooks. She is so talented.
Maybe it’s that I relate to this drive to do art, but her independence doesn’t bother me. Maybe it’s her age, and I’ll feel it in a couple years. Maybe it’s because she’s a girl and I relate in that way.
For now, I will hold on to the moments I have with her. The pride I feel when she shows me her latest piece of art. Though I didn’t do the art, I helped her. Through encouragement, tips, finding tools. I’m not a failure here.
Then in another part of the house, I look and see my youngest. She has started playing by herself more recently. She’s always been pretty clingy and loves to be with me in all I do. So I question this independence.
It’s good but this pulling away has made me feel a little guilty. Thoughts like it’s not in her nature, and she’s starting being independent because I’ve neglected her. It’s probably dumb and inaccurate of what is actually happening, but it’s what has gone through my head.
Failure.
She seems happy still though and I try to be sure to give her attention whenever I can. And I also make sure to spend time doing things with her as well. So maybe it’s just feelings.
Being a mom is mentally draining sometimes.
Another stage of letting go. Becoming more independent one little step at a time. She lets go and I have to let go.
She still needs me, but it’s different now.
It often feels like I should be doing more. Like I should be their whole world like I was when they were babies. I want that.
But I don’t really want that. Having a 13-year-old baby would be hard. I’m not raising babies. I’m hopefully raising adults. And we have to let them pull away little by little as they grow. I hope to work myself out of a job.
It often feels like failure.
It feels like I’m not doing enough.
Surely I’m messing them up.
I’ve heard people say that when you question whether you are doing “enough” as a mother, that is a sign you are a good mother—always striving to do more and be more. And care for your children the best way you can.
And this is probably more of that. The doubt. The guilt. The love.
Always wondering if you should be doing more.
Or less.
But sometimes doing more for them isn’t right. We have to do less. We have to “fail”. We have to let go as they let us go.
This is a part of life — the letting go.
They do still need me, it just looks different. And gosh, I still need them.
Often I have to hold back my motherly drive of doing everything for them. Doing everything with them. This is good. But it’s oh so hard.
I have to “fail” as a mother in order to be a good mother.
Say that again? I have to “fail” as a mother in order to be a good mother.
It sounds weird to strive for failure, but this seems to be how we’re made.
I don’t like it and the letting go is hard. But it’s necessary. Maybe a little failure isn’t so bad after all.
Do you ever feel like you’re failing as a mom?
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